Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners

August 18, 2017
Moonshadow

Have you noticed that people who have less tend to work harder and actually do more? It is those who have it all who carry the dreaded disease I call "entitlement."

Paul was a classmate in my design class. He was deaf. At first I felt sorry for him because he couldn't participate in the conversations, the jokes and the sharing that followed every project critique. But that sentiment quickly vanished when he would come up with original concepts from his silent universe. I remember how amazed I was when he came up with a model of a man standing beside a giant frazzled knotted rope --- Imagine an ordinary rope blown up a thousand times with all the loose ends shouting for attention. The class was "speechless" --- suddenly we were in HIS world.

Someone said something hurtful to me. She belittled my inputs and suggested (not directly) that I was not as smart as her. After licking my ego, I realized she was probably right. I was not gifted with an high IQ as high as hers. But then I looked at her life and (from the little I know of her) she didn't use her god-given-gifts well. Brilliant as she was, she has always been wanting ... always expected special treatment ... and she never seemed satisfied.

It isn't what you have ... It's what you do with your talents that counts.

One of my sisters is going to Nebraska to experience the solar eclipse. She reminded me of a favorite song from our youth called "Moonshadow." She will be playing this tune during the eclipse. The lyrics cheer you to stop worrying and enjoy the present ... always see the silver lining and tip toe through every "cloud."

You may have less and problems may abound; you can worry all you want; but if you have faith that God is aware of what you're going through then His blessings will follow --- then you can frolic and dance on the moonshadows of life.

Excerpts from Moonshadow:

I'm being followed by a moonshadow,
moonshadow, moonshadow ...
leapin' and hoppin' on a moonshadow,
Moonshadow, moonshadow.

And if I ever lose my hands, lose my plough, lose my land,
Oh if I ever lose my hands, Oh if...
I won't have to work no more.

And if I ever lose my eyes, if my colours all run dry,
Yes if I ever lose my eyes, Oh if ...
I won't have to cry no more.

Background to Cat Steven's song: Moonshadow

TGIF people!

Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners
Contributed by Tom of Pasadena, CA

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

3. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

4. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

5. Do not lay (burn) rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

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