animals

Circus Duck

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sat, 01/16/2016 - 04:36
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

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Happy New Year!

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sun, 01/03/2016 - 16:21
I'm in Manila Philippines right now. Mixing family, friends and a little business.
Welcome to the War Zone! They celebrate New Year very differently here.

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Pig Story

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Fri, 11/20/2015 - 16:24
A farmer had 5 female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

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Butch the Rooster

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sat, 09/05/2015 - 11:31
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

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Tonsilectomy vs. Circumcision

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Fri, 08/28/2015 - 16:14
Two little boys are in the hospital prior to having their operations.
One boy leans over and asks. "What are you having done?"
The second boy says. "I'm getting my tonsils out and I'm afraid."

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Walk With Me

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sat, 08/22/2015 - 07:05
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.

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You're Weird

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Fri, 08/07/2015 - 12:31
People say that you're weird,
if you talk to yourself.
They're wrong!

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Engineer in Hell

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sat, 08/01/2015 - 00:52
One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But St. Peter said, "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list."
So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in.

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Chicken Roadkill

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sat, 07/25/2015 - 02:10
A man was riding his sportscar past a friend's chicken farm and he ran over one of the chickens and killed it.
When he got off the car, and looked at the chicken he recognized that this was his friend's prized chickens.

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Forbidden Dance

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sat, 07/11/2015 - 01:24
A Japanese couple were arguing about how to perform the Forbidden Dance of a Thousand Moons.

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Jewish Grandmother

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sat, 05/09/2015 - 02:06
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.

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Headline from the Grocery Store

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sun, 04/26/2015 - 01:26
Latest News: 49 mins ago:
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

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Engineer vs. Doctor

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Sat, 04/11/2015 - 02:36
An Engineer could not find a job, so he opens a clinic, and puts a sign outside that says "Get treatment for $50; if not cured get back $100."

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Aphorisms

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Mon, 04/06/2015 - 15:10
The nicest thing about the future is ...
that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog ...
but only kindness will make him wag his tail..

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A Pinch of Gunpowder

Submitted by RaoulTGIF on Fri, 03/20/2015 - 15:26
A tough old cowboy from Montana counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning

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