Divorce Letter

GET HIM A TRAINER!

   I got a lot of happy feedback from my "Fitting In" article last week. This week is a continuation of that saga.

   I had an appointment for a physical assessment Saturday. I had no idea what they meant by that but they said it was FREE and part of my membership. Jose, a young muscular kid, asked me prepared questions from a checklist.

    He wanted to turn me into a muscle-bound Greek god but I said my dreams were simple – just to be healthy. He looked annoyed and then he said he would give me 4 physical tests that would unearth my physical deficiencies.

   First he told me to step up and down a ledge for 2 minutes. I thought it was silly but I followed his instructions ... talking to him and cracking jokes the whole 2 minutes. He was surprised I didn't even break a sweat. He asked me to do 5 push ups. I did ten. He asked me to carry a square frame and lean on a wall while he tried to push the frame away. Yup! Passed that. Then he asked me to jerk a heavy rope for 20 seconds. He said this would test every muscle in my body. I swung that rope like a toy. I passed the 4 tests! He was getting frustrated.

    Back at his desk he asked if I had gone to another gym prior. I said I didn't. "You mean you stopped going to a gym for a few years?" "No. I never went to one my whole life." He was puzzled. # other trainers had overheard our discussion and gathered round to help figure out what they could sell me. One of them gave me a device that would read my fat content. They said it was extremely accurate. Their jaw dropped when they got my reading: Based on their charts I was in perfect shape. I know I wasn't but I didn't want to argue with their "extremely accurate device." I knew they weren't going to let me leave alive if I didn't sign up for a trainer. So I did what any coward would do – I signed up! But two days later, I signed out. I don't think they like me.

    Listen, if you find my body floating in the swimming pool, you'll know Jose did it!    

Wisdom from Norm of Arcadia, CA

Bear Story
Contributed by Don of Kewlona, B.C.

Divorce Letter
Contributed by Don of Kewlona, B.C.

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years & I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been torture. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50.00 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job & bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Videos of the week: (click on the picture and if it leads to a wrong link, go to the website where I will make the correction)

Why Dogs Make the Perfect Babysitters
Contributed by Norm of Arcadia, CA

Funny collection of dogs and their baby masters.

Nice Reminder
Contributed by Don of Kewlona, B.C.

This video got me teary eyed. Reminded me of my childhood. Our budget was tight. I accompanied my Mom to buy school supplies. I spotted a comic book of Pinnocchio and I really wanted it. My Mom agonized over the decision but said if I promised to take care of it she'd get it for me. I kept it until I was past college. Then I handed it down to my nephew.

Uptown Funk Dance Video in One Take
Contributed by Tom of Pasadena, CA

A theater teacher and his students do their own take of the "Uptown Funk" video (not sure that is but that's what they call it). And the craziest part? The whole thing was shot in one take!

Ewok Dog on Treadmill
Contributed by Norm of Arcadia, CA

Cute little guy. The illusion is just funny.

Truth Behind Sushi
Contributed by Rey of Simi Valley, CA

Someone finally spilled the beans (or should I say, "spilled the Miso Soup"). Yes. Out of the billions of Japanese all over the world, a secret camera caught these two Japanese candidly talking about Japanese restaurants. Now you have the inside scoop! TGIF people! Tomorrow I do caricatures for the Lion's Club!